as i write this, there’s a glass of cappuccino — though my stomach would get in trouble sooner or later — and a super-soft cinnamon roll on the table in outdoors area in the cafe. in front of me, there’s a couple of friends with cigarettes in their hands and i find myself regretting why’d i choose this cafe. however, i didn’t know at the first place that all seats inside were already reserved. so, yeah, it is what is is.
it’s the end of 2023. and for me, this year felt short, to the point that it feels just like yesterday i took a flight to singapore whilst it has been nearly a year. perhaps, it’s because i’m so happy and in a really good state of mind this year.
state of mind.
as far as i can remember, the “drowning phase” only happened once, around april to may, and not in the super dark zone i used to experience. 2021 was the worst year of my life, in 2022 i gained some enlightenment, and 2023 i see the the light more clear. i believe, as human being, we’ll gradually improve for those who are willing to choose better paths.
the noise in my head is getting lesser and lesser. my mind is light, almost quiet. oh, this is how it feels. the thing that occupies my mind is only what to do today, how i spend the rest of my day, and prepare for tomorrow if i had task to do. maybe it’s not a good mindset for the long run, but i’ve had enough of that unnecessary thoughts and being anxious about how i am and what i want to be in the future. i’ve had enough regretting and blaming myself and everything. i’ve had enough battling with my own self and doing nothing about it. i’ve had enough hating myself that much.
and i’m not saying i love myself more now or i’m a a wiser woman with a good mindset, it’s still far from that. i just, try to live for today and tomorrow. it is today and tomorrow.
i try to live in the moment.
gain and loss.
2023 is a good year. i made new friends and bonded stronger with the older ones. i traveled to more places; i went to Singapore and Japan in the same year. i attended more than a concert; Arctic Monkeys and my lovely Tomorrow x Together world tour. i’m getting closer with my one and only younger sister.
i ate fruits more. i found what’s good for my health and what’s not. i tried new flavors for ice cream, beverages, snacks, and i love it. i saw a beautiful sunset in the harbor, with birds flying and chirping above the sea.
there are abundant things i grateful for.
and 2023 has some bad news too. i lost a good friend — not passed away. i’m more intolerant in milk now and should consume dairy and gluten product less. and Palestine situation is devastatingly heartbreaking.
there are some things i’m sorry for.
appreciation and gratitude.
for my delulu bae, you’re all the closest to me and hope it stays that way for a long time. my gratitude towards you is not well said enough, but one thing you should know is you are so precious to me. thank you for always listening and understanding, for the small talk and ESQ session at random times, for everything. i feel loved. and i love you.
for sobat makrab and sobat warnet. my work life would be a disaster without all of you. undeniably, you’ve kept me sane and one of the main reasons i want to go to the office. thank you for the laughter and stories you’ve shared. i don’t feel lonely anymore.
for my middle and high school friends, i’m glad i have you all this time. even though we only keep in touch via social media platform and give reactions and reples to each other that lead to a heartwarming convos, it is meaningful to me. thank you for always sticking by my side.
for my one and only younger sister. you are my bestest friend and the person i most grateful for this year. we’ve never been this close before as siblings, either in sharing perspectives or our craziness towards that particular idol we love. my bond to other people may be getting loose, but with you, i hope it never will. we have to always be together forever and support each other ’til the end. i love you. i love you.
and lastly for Tomorrow x Together, TXT, that i admire and love dearly. you are one of the reason why i’m so happy this year and can’t wait for the years ahead. along with your songs, your existence is a bliss and grace. i never know before, that a person — a group — could have such such a huge and good impact on my life. you are my driving force to live well again. you’re all so silly and i love you.
a welcome.
there’s no a huge achievement this year that applaud-worthy. but if i can pinpoint the best thing of the year, it is that i live.
perhaps it is the way God answers my prayer: “please help me to live day by day”. and along with my willpower and aggregate participation of universe, i have reached this point.
and i want to live a long life, although the future is mystery, and none of it i’m sure of but surprise and plot twist.
to 2024, i believe in you.
